Insight: Think for a moment how often you use the word “hate” in your life - “I hate my hair.” “I hate when it rains.” “I hate when people do that.” “I hate this shirt.” “I hate the way he speaks to me.” While you may not realize it, your child has probably heard the word, “hate” used -by you- quite often. And, since all children are exposed to the word “hate,” they learn; when you don’t like something, or when something doesn’t go your way, you describe your feelings by saying, “I hate….” Should we be so alarmed and surprised by this, since children are natural mimics?

Strategies: If you’re bothered (and understandably so) by hearing the word “hate” used by your daughter, I would first suggest that you take it out of your vocabulary. The less she’s exposed to the word at home, the less she’ll use it. Also, remember that a 5-year-old still has a hard time putting her exact feelings into words. While you may feel betrayed when she turns on you over a disappointment and expresses her anger by saying, “I hate you,” consider the following points:

Do understand that when a young child gets angry with her parents, it’s common for her to shout, “I hate you!” The outburst may come after you say she can’t go outdoors or have a friend over or do something else she wants to do.

Don’t take her words so literally. This kind of expression is short-lived.

Do believe that she doesn’t know how to say, “Mom I think you should allow me to stay up later tonight because…” or, “I’m angry with you because you said…” A 5- year-old is too young for this kind of articulation and even too young to show consistent respect.

Don’t hesitate to offer her other ways to tell you how she feels. Suggest she say, “I’m mad at you,” “I’m angry,” or “I don’t like what you did.” Acknowledge her feelings, but say, “I want you to tell me in different words.”

Do assume that using the word, “hate,” is the beginning of her expression of negative feelings. She needs to learn that feeling upset and angry is okay - so choose your response carefully.

Don’t be quick to respond by saying, “That’s not nice!” or “Don’t let me hear those words again.” Instead, acknowledge her angry feelings, and understand that eventually, with your help and maturity, she’ll learn to state her feelings more appropriately. I promise.

Do expect to feel frustrated when your adult reasoning, logic, and caring fail to keep your child from yelling, “You mean mom!” “I hate you!” Your child’s words can feel threatening, especially if you don’t like your child to be angry with you.

Don’t forget the important role you have in teaching (although it takes time) your daughter to express her anger in acceptable ways.

Do consider this approach: When your daughter says, “I hate you, Mom!” rather than make an issue of it, simply restate her words. Say back to her, “You’re really angry at me aren’t you? You don’t like it when I say it’s time to come in.” If she hears you express her anger in this way, she gradually will begin to use similar statements herself.

Bottom Line: You should take note of your daughter’s keen ability to copy your words and behavior and think about how you speak to her and others (your husband, family members, store clerks, other drivers). What’s your general tone? Do you yell? Are you short-tempered? How do you express disappointment? Do you correct her negative words, and not yours? After careful thought, you might consider changing your ways so that your daughter will have the role model she needs to help her grow into a nice, sensitive and caring person.

Insight: Young children are -by nature- egocentric which simply means that they focus on their own needs and wants without considering others’ feelings. This explains why you’re the one initiating the apology and why you don’t observe your son’s genuine feelings of being sorry when he hurts another person. When kids reluctantly mutter, “Sorry,” it’s clear they don’t feel remorse for hurting someone else. In fact, when they say, “I didn’t do it” or “But, I had it first” they’re letting you know that they believe (in their 4 or 5 year old way of thinking) they did nothing wrong. That’s just the way kids think.

Strategies: It’s often not easy for kids - or adults - to apologize for their negative actions or words. Yet, there are ways to respond to children’s’ behaviors that will help them learn to take responsibility for their negative behaviors. These do’s and don’ts will help you understand this problem from a developmental perspective.

Don’t neglect to listen to your son’s side. He won’t offer sincere apologies until he has the experience of having his side of a disagreement heard. Children (and adults) who feel unheard often defend themselves and refuse to apologize even when they know they’re wrong.

Do understand that at times, all young children grab, hit, knock over each other’s blocks, say mean things, and refuse to share. Set firm limits on inappropriate behavior rather than force your son into making insincere apologies. Kids need to know that doing unkind things and being aggressive towards others is simply not allowed.

Don’t forget that if you don’t want your son to treat other’s in negative ways, you need to supervise closely so that you catch it before it happens. Distract, re-direct, and get involved. This will help him learn positive ways to treat others.

Do know that when apologizing becomes the main consequence for unacceptable behavior, your son may decide that it’s worth hitting others or knocking over their toys, because he knows that all he has to do is say ‘sorry’ afterwards and he may be excused.

Don’t enforce an apology because it’s a quick and easy way to deal with misbehavior. Hearing your son apologize can also be very unsatisfying, particularly if he’s done something dangerous such as throw sand in a playmate’s face.

Do help your son find ways to resolve conflicts. Encourage him to use words to express his disappointments. Help him with suggestions: “ I wanted to play the fish game by myself.” Have family time when everyone says something they’re sorry for. Set the example, “I’m sorry I yelled at you today.”

Don’t overemphasize apologies. He will learn that he can easily get off the hook; “But I said I’m sorry.”

Do understand that the real motivation for your son to change his behavior comes not from the fear of having to apologize, but from the fear of disappointing and angering you, and as he gets older, his friends

Don’t overlook the emotional parts. Your son may not make genuine apologies because he may be too embarrassed or ashamed to admit wrongdoing and at other times he may not like being put on the spot. He may deny his actions, “I didn’t do it,” because he fears his parents’ reactions and disapproval.

Do have your son help remedy a situation: “Since you pushed over your friends’ castle, you have to help her put it back together.”

Don’t hesitate to state, “I’m not going to let you hit him.” Or “You may not want to play with her, but I’m not going to let you hurt her.”

Do know that since your son imitates your behavior, it’s important for you to model considerate behavior by apologizing to others, “I’m sorry for being late.” Apologize to him when you overreact, bump into him, or take him away from play to rush out for your own reasons. If you apologize whenever the situation calls for it, your son will eventually copy your words and actions.

Don’t neglect to understand that a child who doesn’t want his parents to get angry at him, may apologize on his own for misbehavior. Such an apology comes from within and is much more sincere than an apology he’s forced to make.

Do explain to your son, as he gets a bit older, what it means to apologize. “When you apologize, you tell someone that you feel sorry you hurt them.” Explain that kids need to apologize if they make someone feel sad or tease someone or lose or break something that belonged to someone else.

Don’t underestimate the importance of building his self-esteem so that he learns to feel secure enough to apologize to others. A child who is insecure will be more reluctant to apologize because he will feel that it’s an attack on himself-who he is.

Bottom Line: All important learning starts in the home. Everyday you teach your son right from wrong, and how others should be treated. Acknowledge the hurt you do to others. Take responsibility for situations. Learn from your mistakes.

This issue is very important. We can all use reminders on the value and importance of those two simple words, “I’m sorry.”